if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
