god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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