i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Who died my cat blue again?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
