Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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