Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
