I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
