Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
