I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
