sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
