you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
