My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
