Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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