I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
