Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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