The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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