Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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