If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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