There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
This baby is an asshole
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
