I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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