I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
