did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This baby is an asshole
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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