1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
