I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
