.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
