She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
