Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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