Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize