Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
