im six kinds of drunk right now
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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