i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize