I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Boobs are out for the taking
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
