So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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