I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
