im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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