hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize