Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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