Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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