what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
