My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
