Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
