Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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