i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
