My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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