i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
