I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
