In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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