My underwear smells like fireworks.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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