you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
