Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize