just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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