Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
NoShamevember. You game?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
