Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
