I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
