Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
