I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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