Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
