After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
