dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
