I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she told me i tasted like america
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
