I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
