I bet he comes in French.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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