I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
